– I love real estate,
and I think people know that. I love to buy houses,
I like to sell houses. When I order a drink,
I’d like it to be on the house. And–
[laughter] I always want to know what
houses are out there, so I’m always looking at
the real estate listings. But you have to know
how to read them, because they use these
secret codes, and they put in things that seem
positive, and they’re not, so since I know a few things
about homes, and as the creator of HGTV’s
“Ellen’s Design Challenge,” Mondays at 9:00–
[cheers and applause] Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.
I thought I would point out a few things to watch for
when you’re buying a house. Let’s look at the first one
right here. This one says “two-bedroom,
two-bath condo with potential.” [laughter] You gotta look out for
that word “potential,” because “potential” means that
the yellow mold could potentially grow into
black mold. [laughter] Let’s see the next one. “One of a kind, two bedrooms,
five-bath house.” Okay, “one of a kind”
is another red flag. The builder never made another
one, because he’s in prison. Okay?
[laughter] He’s been sued,
and he can’t make another one. And my–what I would look at, who needs a two-bedroom house
with five bathrooms? [laughter] I don’t think you need a house,
you need a doctor, that’s what I think.
[laughter] You don’t need that many
bathrooms. There’s two people in there. Here’s another one. “Cozy studio apartment.”
Okay, “cozy”… means “teeny,
teeny, teeny, tiny, tiny… teeny, teeny, tiny.” If you are the person that
prefers to sit in the middle seat on
an airplane, this is for you.
[laughter] That’s what that place is going
to be like. And here’s something that
seems good: “Three-bedroom, two-bath house.
Seller is motivated.” “Seller is motivated” means this
house is currently on fire. [laughter] He wants to sell quickly.
[laughter] All right, and very quickly:
“classic” means “old,” “retro” means “old,” “original” means “old,” “good bones,”
“old bones,” [laughter] “newer” means
“about to be old.” [laughter] The “er” on the end. And I hope that helps you
if you’re looking for a house. And right now I’m going to use
my good bones for this dance.